A viccek egy Jason rajong�i oldalr�l vannak, de ez rendesen �szre is vehet� rajtuk azt hiszem :)
/ha lesz id�m, majd ford�tgatom �ket magyarra/



Tegy�k fel, hogy a Rock-n-Roll Hall of Fame –ben hirtelen kimegy a vil�g�t�s.

*H�ny zen�sznek kell ott lennie hogy kicser�lj�k a villanyk�rt�t?
- Egynek sem. Egy technikus sokkal jobban meg tudja csin�lni.

*H�ny dobosnak kell ott lennie hogy kicser�lj�k a villanyk�rt�t?
- T�znek. Egy, aki a sz�ken �llva tartja az �g�t, kett� akik k�rbe forgatj�k a sz�ket �s m�sik h�t – akik mondj�k, hogy Dave Lombardo sokkal jobban megcsin�lta volna.

*H�ny git�rosnak kell ott lennie hogy kicser�lj�k a villanyk�rt�t?
- Sz�znak. Egy kicser�li az �g�t a t�bbi 99 pedig n�zi �s mondja hogy �k sokkal jobban meg tudn�k csin�lni.

*H�ny �nekesnek kell ott lennie hogy megjav�tsanak a XXII. sz�zadban egy f�nyforr�s-f�les�get?
- Sz�znak. Egy, aki megjav�tja azt a XXII. sz�zadi �j f�nyforr�s-f�les�get �s m�sik 99 akik mellette �llnak �s mondj�k hogy a r�gi j� villanyk�rt�k sokkal jobbak voltak.

*H�ny basszusgit�rosnak kell ott lennie hogy kicser�lj�k a villanyk�rt�t?
- �tnek. Egy, aki kicser�li az �g�t �s n�gy m�sik hogy lefogj�k a git�rost, aki a falra m�szik att�l ha a basszusgit�ros olyan hossz� ideig reflektorf�nyben van.

�s csak Jason Newsted tudja megcsin�lni egyed�l. Neki csak a villanyk�rt�t fogva a sz�ken kell �llnia, a vil�g pedig majd forog k�r�l�tte!

H�rom fiatal basszusgit�ros s�t�lgat a temet�ben. Egyik�k elgondolkozva megsz�lal:
„Haver, ha meghalok, azt szeretn�m ha Jaco Pastorius mell� temetn�nek... Sz�momra � az isten, hatalmas tisztess�g lenne ha mellette fekhetn�k.”
A m�sodik sr�c �gy: „H�t, �n Cliff Burton mellett szeretn�k fek�dni, mert � az �n istenem �s nagyon tisztelem �t.”
„Ami engem illet” – mondja a harmadik - „�n nagyon szeretn�k szeretn�k Jason Newsted mellett fek�dni”
„BAZD MEG, de h�t � m�g �l!!!!”
„Jah... �pp ez a l�nyeg.”

(LOL :DDDDDDD)

A Guns ’n’ Roses egy Beatles-es megeml�kez�sen dolgozik.
Slash: Melyik dalt j�tszuk?
Axl: „I wanna hold your hand.” („Szeretn�m megfogni a kezed”)
Slash: A ****-omat fogd meg, te ****! Azt k�rdeztem, melyik dalt j�tszuk!!!


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A Pantera a sz�npadon j�tsza a „Cemetery gates” -t, az intronak v�ge, Philnek �nekelnie kell.
Phil: Ba**** meg!!! Elfelejtettem a sz�veget! Darrel, hogy van a sz�veg?
Darrel: Rex, hogy van a sz�veg?
Rex: Vin, hogy van a sz�veg?
Vinnie: �s hogy van a dal?


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Volt egyszer egy kisfi� aki nagyon buta volt. De az apja zen�szt akart faragni bel�le. �gy h�t, pr�b�lta a fi�t megtan�tani git�ron j�tszani, heged�lni, basszusgit�rozni �s v�g�l a kez�be adott k�t dobver�t – de a fi� annyira hihetetlen�l buta volt, hogy azon nyomban elvesztetre az egyik dobver�t… H�t �gy lett bel�le karmester.

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Egy nagy, h�res met�lbanda a sz�npadon j�tszik ki�ltoz� rajong�k hatalmas t�mege el�tt. N�zz�k, mi j�r a zen�szek fej�ben.

�nekes: „V���, micsoda sz�rny vagyok! Kir�lyul n�zek ki, kir�ly a hangom, kir�ly illatom van! Az �sszes csaj az eny�m lesz! Isten vagyok!"

Git�ros: "Yeah, �n vagyok a legjobb! T�k �llat a sz�l�m! Az �sszes csaj az eny�m lesz! Isten vagyok!"

Dobos: "Fasza! Has�tok, �s vagyok a kir�ly �s kurvaj�l j�tszom! Az �sszes pasi az eny�m lesz! R�szeg vagyok…"

Basszusgit�ros: "C-E-G, C-E-G, C-E-G..."


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K�t l�ny s�t�lgatott, mikor egyszer csak ezt hallott�k...
„Psstz! Itt lent!”
Mindketten len�ztek �s egy b�k�t l�ttak az �t mellett �lni. A b�ka �gy sz�lt: „H�, ha megcs�kolsz, vil�gh�r� doboboss� v�ltozom �s mindkett�t�ket gazdagg� �s h�ress� teszlek!” A k�t l�ny egym�sra n�zett, azt�n az egyik�j�k leny�lt, megfogta a b�k�t �s zsebre v�gta.
A m�sik l�ny megk�rdezte, hogy „H�t ezt meg mi�rt csin�ltad?”
Az els� �gy v�laszolt: „Nem vagyok h�lye. Tudom hogy egy besz�l� b�ka sz�mtalanszor t�bbet �r mint egy h�res dobos b�rmikor!!!”

***

Q: Mi a legjobb m�dja annak hogy �sszezavarj egy dobost?
A: Rakj el� egy kis zen�t.

***

Egy pasi egy exotikus tr�pusi szigetre megy vak�ci�zni. Ahogy a szigethez k�zeledik a cs�nak, felfigyel a sziget fel�l j�v� folytonos dobsz� hangj�ra. Ahogy kisz�ll a cs�nakb�l, megk�rdezi az els� bennsz�l�ttet akit l�t, hogy meddig fog m�g tartani ez a dobol�s. A bennsz�l�dt l�that�an ideges lett, �s �gy v�laszolt: „nagyon rossz, ha a dobol�s megsz�nik”. A nap v�g�n a dobol�s m�g mindig megy �s kezd a pasi idegeire menni. �gyhogy megk�rdez egy m�sik bennsz�l�ttet hogy mikor lesz v�ge ennek a dobol�snak. A bennsz�l�dt �gy n�z, mintha csak valami nagyon kellemetlen dolgot juttattak volna esz�be. „Nagyon rossz, ha a dobol�s megsz�nik”, mondja, �s elsiet.
P�r nap eltelt m�r - �s utasunk nem sokat aludt -, v�gleg betelik a poh�r, megragadja az els� �tj�ba ker�l� bennsz�l�ttet, egy f�hoz szor�tja, �s r�ord�t: „Mi t�rt�nik ha abbamarad a dobol�s?!”
„Basszus sz�l�”

***

Mi a k�l�nbs�g egy dobos �s egy porsz�v� k�z�tt?
You have to plug one of them in before it sucks.

Mit kapsz ha �tv�z�l egy dobost �s egy gorill�t?
Egy nagyon buta gorill�t!!! (ba-dump bump *tzss!>*)


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Egy nap Bob Rock �tj�n a st�di�ba �s mindent a feje tetej�n tal�l: Kirk �s Larz megb�jnak valahol a sarokban, James pedig Jasont �ld�zi �ssze-vissza a teremben, k�romkodik �s �vegeket hajig�l r�.
Bob: Mi a fene folyik itt?!
James: Ez a #&$@ elhangolt egy h�rt a git�romon �s nem mondja meg hogy melyik kibaszott h�r volt az!


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Mi az ide�lis s�ly egy karmester sz�m�ra?
Nagyj�b�l egy – egy �s f�l kil�. Az urn�val egy�tt.

M�rt olyan a karmester mint a koton?
Vele biztons�gosabb, de n�lk�le �rdekesebb.

Basszusgit�ros#1 – M�rt nem git�ron j�tszol?
Basszusgit�ros#2 – Mert annak 6 h�rja van, nekem pedig csak 5 ujjam.
Dobos – Na ja... K�pzelj�tek el azokaz a h�ly�ket akik zongor�znak!


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Kirk: Jase, m�rt rohang�lsz folyton ide-oda a sz�npadon?
Jason: Csak pr�b�lok menek�lni a zaj el�l amit Larz csin�l.
Kirk: Akkor mi tart m�g mindig a band�ban?
Jason: A basszusgit�rom huzalja.

Jason �gyban fekszik, nagyon beteg.
Piggy: Ember, hozzak neked egy poh�r vizet?
Snake: Akarod hogy hozzak neked egy Aspirint?
Away: Vagy h�vjuk a doktort?
Jasonic: Ne... csak h�vj�tok Hetfieldet, hogy �nekeljen nekem... jobban leszek, ha h�nyok egyet...

Kurt Cobain meghal �s a mennybe sz�ll. Tal�lkozik p�r angyallal:
- H� ember, �pp j�kor j�ssz! Koncert lesz ma este: Jimmy Hendrix a ritmusgit�rn�l, �s Bob Marley fog �nekelni...
- �s ki fog basszusgit�rozni?
- Maga Isten.
- ��..�s... hogy j�tszik?
- H�t, �ltal�ban nem rosszul. De n�ha Newstednek k�pzeli mag�t.


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Mit kapsz, ha visszafel� j�tszol blues-t?
Visszmegy hozz�d a feles�ged, �letre kel a kuty�d, �s kijutsz a b�rt�nb�l.

Mit kapsz, ha visszafel� j�tszol met�lt?
A F�ld �jra �letre kel, a n�gy lovas visszav�gtat a pokolba, �s Jason visszat�r a Metallic�ba.

Mit kapsz, ha visszafel� j�tszol popzen�t?
Popzen�t.

Mi a k�l�nbs�g egy k�ly�kkutya �s Darren Hayes k�z�tt?
A kiskutya v�g�l abbahagyja a ny�sz�t�st.

What do you get when you put a diminished chord together with an augmented chord? A demented chord.

Mi egy rockbanda?
Egy j� git�ros, egy rossz git�ros, egy exgit�ros, �s valaki aki ut�lja a git�rosokat, �k n�gyen �ssze�lnek �s zen�szekr�l mes�lnek pletyk�kat egym�snak.

Mi a sz�l�?
Mikor mindenki azt rem�li, hogy abbahagyod, de te nem �llsz le.

Mi a meghallgat�s?
Az a l�tszat, hogy al�rendeled magad egy t�lz� k�nyszernek, hogy megfelelj olyasvalaki szadista c�ljainak aki k�zben m�r r�g d�nt�tt.


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Mit kapsz ha lehaj�tassz egy zongor�t egy b�nya akn�ba?
F�l hanggal lesz�ll�tott mol sort.

Mit kapsz ha feldobsz egy zongor�t egy katonai b�zisra?
F�l hanggal felsz�ll�tott d�r sort.

Mi�rt tal�lt�k fel a zongor�t?
Hogy legyen egy hely a zen�szeknek ahov� letehetik a s�r�ket.

Egy dobos, belef�radva a sok dobosokr�l sz�l� viccbe, elhat�rozza hogy hangszert v�lt. N�mi gondolkod�s ut�n a harmonika mellett d�nt. Elmegy teh�t a zeneboltba �s ezt mondja a tulajdonosnak, „Szeretn�m megn�zni a harmonik�kat.”
A tulaj egy polc fel� mutat a sarokban, �s �gy sz�l: „Minden harmonik�nk ott van.”
N�mi n�zel�d�s ut�n a dobos megsz�lal: „Azt hiszem, akkor az a piros lesz ott a sarokban.”
A bolt tulajdonosa r�n�z �s ezt mondja, „�n dobos, igaz?”
A dobos cs�ggedten k�rdezi: „Honnan tudta?”
„Az a nagy ’piros harmonika’ ott a sarokban a radi�tor.”


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Q – H�ny basszusgit�ros kell egy �g� kicser�l�s�hez?
A – Hat; egy aki kicser�li, �s t�bbi �t aki megk�zd a ritmusgit�rosokkal akikn�l az �g� van.

Q – Mi a basszusgit�ros defin�ci�ja?
A – F�l�ton egy dobos �s egy zen�sz k�z�tt.

Q – Mi a k�l�nbs�g egy basszusgit�ros �s egy olyan orrszarv� k�z�tt ami �pp most evett meg egy konzerv s�lt babot?
A – Egyik�k egy nagy haszontalan valami ami �bl�s fing� hangot ad ki, a m�sikuk pedig az orrszarv�.

Q – Mi a k�l�nbs�g egy basszusgit�ros �s egy Duracell elem k�zt?
A - A Duracell elemnek j� �lete van.

Q – M�rt van az, hogy a basszusgit�rosoknak sosincs n�th�juk?
A – M�g egy v�rusban is van b�szkes�g.


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A dobos �gy d�nt, hogy k�sz�t egy sz�l�albumot, �gy h�t bemegy egy boltba �s ezt mondja: „Elviszem ezt a git�rt, ezt a basszusgit�rt �s azt a szintetiz�tort, itt a hitelk�rty�m.” Erre megsz�lal a pult m�g�tt �ll� sr�c: „Dobos vagy, igaz?”
A dobos: „Ja, honnan tudtad?”
„Ez itt a Burger King.” – v�laszolja a pultos sr�c.

Hogy h�vj�k a dobost a zeneiskol�ban?
L�togat�.

Mi a tradicion�lis �dv�zl�s k�t git�ros k�zt?
„�dv, �n jobb vagyok, mint te!”

M�rt nem mondanak semmi rosszat az �nekesek a t�bbi zen�szr�l?
Mert t�ls�gosan elfoglaltak azzal hogy magukr�l besz�lnek.

Miben hasonl�t egy t�sszent�s egy dobsz�l�hoz? Tudod, hogy most az j�n �s nem tehetsz ellene semmit.

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Ha ledobsz egy git�rost �s egy �nekest egy hegyr�l, melyik�k �rne el�sz�r f�ldet?
- A git�ros. Az �nekesnek f�l�ton lefel� meg k�ne �llnia hogy megk�rdezze, merre kell tov�bb menni.

*Mi a k�l�nbs�g egy n�i frontember �s egy kobra k�z�tt?
- Az egyik hal�losan m�rgez�, a m�sik egy h�ll�.

A jazz musician dies and goes to heaven. He is told "Hey man, welcome! You have been elected to the Jazz All-Stars of Heaven--right up there with all the greats. We have a gig tonight. Only one problem--God's girlfriend gets to sing." *How many singers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? 1) None. They can't get that high. 2) Two; one to screw it in and the other to say, "Isn't that a little high for you?" *How do you put a sparkle in a singer's eye? - Shine a flashlight in her ear. Junkies' greeting: - Hi, i'm John. - John, i'm high. (not about music, but about life in general) *What's the difference between a female lead-singer and a Porsche? - Most of the band have never been in a Porsche. *What do DJs use for birth control? - Their personalities. *What do you see if you look up a singer's skirt? A drummer. *How do you tell if a drummer is dead? - The beer bottle is still full and the comics haven't been touched.

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Q:What's the adult name of the childhood game hide-n-seek? A:Seek and Destroy!

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What's the difference between a fiddle and a violin ? Who cares - neither one's a guitar Did you hear about the guitarist who was in tune ? Neither did I Why are so many guitarists jokes one liners ? So the rest of the band can understand them "Hey buddy, how late does the band play?" "Oh, about a half a beat behind the drummer." How do you get a rhythm guitarist to play softer? Give him music to read. How does a lead guitarist change a lightbulb ? He holds it up and the world revolves around him. Q: What do you call a drummer in a three-piece suit? A: "The Defendant" Q: What's the similarity between a drummer and a philosopher? A: They both perceive time as an abstract concept. Q: What do you do if you see a bleeding drummer running around in your back yard? A: Stop laughing and shoot again. Q: What do you call a musician with a college degree? A: Night manager at McDonalds What was the epitaph on the blues player's gravestone? "I didn't wake up this morning..." General Custer and his aide were in the fort. The aide said, "General, I don't like the sound of those drums." From over in the hills you hear a voice yell, "It's not our regular drummer." How many union roadies does it take to change a lightbulb? Eleven. You got a problem with that?! Q: What does a drummer say when he gets to his gig? A: Would you like fries with that, sir? Q: How can you tell a drummer is walking behind you? A: You can hear his knuckles dragging on the ground.

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How many lead-guitarists does it take to change a light bulb? None. They just steal somebody else's light. How many bass players does it take to change a light bulb? None. They'll light up the room with their bright personalities. How many sound men does it take to change a light bulb? 1. "One, two, three, one, two, three..." 2. "Hey man, I just do sound." 3. One. Upon finding no replacement, he takes the original apart, repairs it with a chewing gum wrapper and duct tape, changes the screw mount to bayonet mount, finds an appropriate patch cable, and re-installs the bulb fifty feet from where it should have been, to the satisfaction of the rest of the band. How many punk-rock musicians does it take to change a light bulb? Two: One to screw in the bulb and the other to smash the old one on his forehead. How many country singers does it take to change a light bulb? Three. One to change the bulb and two to sing about the old one. Well, anyone can change a light bulb... Just don't let a pop-singer screw it in - he'll screw it up!!!! / �s itt van m�g egy... Nem zenei t�m�j�, te szerintem t�k j� >:) / S�t�t �jszaka. Es�, vihar, vill�ml�s... Egy p�pos h�t� ember botork�l a temet�ben. Hirtelen sz�rny� hang j�n a f�ld al�l: „H�, uram, maga p�pos?” „Igen, u-u-uram, az vagyok”- mondja az ember. „Nem, nem is az!” �s l�ss csod�t, m�r nincs is p�p az ember h�t�n! Az ember hazarohan �s elmondja az eg�sz t�rt�netet a karikal�b� testv�r�nek. A karikal�b� testv�r a temet�be rohan (mert � is szeretne megszabadulni a gondj�t�l) �s a s�rok k�zt kezd k�sz�lni. V�g�l is egy f�radt de m�g mindig sz�rny� hang sz�l a f�ld al�l: „H�, uram! Maga p�pos?” „Nem, �n karikal�b�i vagyok!” „�, tess�k, akkor most m�r p�pos!!!!!!” [�rd�gi kacaj]

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Q: What did the guitar say to the guitarist? A: Pick on someone your own size! Q: What's the definition of a minor second? A: Two lead guitarists playing in unison. Q: What do you call two guitarists playing in unison? A: Counterpoint. If thine enemy wrong thee, buy each of his children a drum. Q: There's a five pound note on the floor. Of a thrash guitarist, a drummer who keeps good time, and a drummer who keeps bad time, who picks it up? A:The drummer who keeps bad time. The other drummer doesn't exist, and the thrash guitarist doesn't care about notes anyway.

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Two men are in the locker and one of the guys notices that the other has a cork in his ass. He ask, "Why do you have a cork in your ass?" The other replied, "The funniest thing happened while I was walking along the beach. I triped over this brass lamp and out came a red man wearing a turban. He said 'I am Tonto, Idian Genie. I grant-um you one wish.' And I said 'No shit.'"

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After Quasimodo's death, the bishop of the cathedral of Notre Dame sent word through the streets of Paris that a new bellringer was needed. The bishop decided that he would conduct the interviews personally and went up into the belfry to begin the screening process. After observing several applicants demonstrate their skills, he decided to call it a day when a lone, armless man approached him and announced that he was there to apply for the bellringers job. The bishop was incredulous. "You have no arms!" "No matter," said the man, "observe!" He then began striking the bells with his face, producing a beautiful melody on the carillon. The bishop listened in astonishment, convinced that he had finally found a suitable replacement for Quasimodo. Suddenly, rushing forward to strike a bell, the armless man tripped, and plunged headlong out of the belfry window to his death in the street below. The stunned bishop rushed to his side. When he reached the street, a crowd had gathered around the fallen figure, drawn by the beautiful music they had heard only moments before. As they silently parted to let the bishop through, one of them asked, "Bishop, who was this man?" "I don't know his name," the bishop sadly replied, "but his face rings a bell." The following day, despite the sadness that weighed heavily on his heart due to the unfortunate death of the armless campanologist (now there's a trivia question for you), the bishop continued his interviews for the bellringer of Notre Dame. The first man to approach him said, "Your excellency, I am the brother of the poor, armless wretch that fell to his death from this very belfry yesterday. I pray that you honor his life by allowing me to replace him in this duty." The bishop agreed to give the man an audition, and as the armless man's brother stooped to pick up a mallet to strike the first bell, he groaned, clutched at his chest and died on the spot. Two monks, hearing the bishop's cries of grief at this second tragedy, rushed up the stairs to his side. "What has happened?" the first breathlessly asked, "Who is this man?" "I don't know his name," sighed the distraught bishop, "but he's a dead ringer for his brother."

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Why didn't the little drummer boy get into heaven? Because he woke the baby for Christ's sake!
Q: What do you call a Drummer driving a Volkswagen? A: Farfromthinken
Egy f�rfi bemegy egy boltba.
„You got one of them Marshall Hiwatt AC30 amplificatior thingies and a Gobson StratoBlaster geetar with a Fried Rose tremulo?”
„Maga dobos, igaz?”
„��h, igen… Honnan tudta?”
„Ez egy utaz�si iroda”

Q: How many drummers does it take to change a lightbulb? A: One, but only after asking "Why?" ("Oh, wow! Is it like dark, man?") Why do drummers have 1/2 ounce more brains than horses? So they don't disgrace themselves during the parade. A guy wanted to play bass in a band. The band told him, "Okay, but you will have to have 1/3 of your brain removed." So the guy went into surgery. When he woke up, the doctor said, "I'm terribly sorry, but we made a mistake and accidentally removed 3/4's of your brain!" The guy said, "Uh, that's okay. Got some sticks?" I asked my drummer to spell "Mississippi"... He said, "The river or the state?"

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Q: How many bluegrass musicians does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Two. One to screw it in, and one to complain that it's electrified. Q: How many musicians does it take to change a light bulb? A: Twenty. 1 to hold the bulb, 2 to turn the ladder, and 17 to be on the guest list. Q: What's musical and handy in a supermarket? A: A Chopin Liszt. Q: How can you tell someone is a true music lover? A: When they even put their ear up to the bathroom keyhole. A cowboy and a biker are on death row, and are to be executed on the same day. The day comes, and they are brought to the gas chamber. The warden asks the cowboy if he has a last request, to which the cowboy replies, "Ah shore do, wardn. Ah'd be mighty grateful if'n yoo'd play 'Achy Breaky Heart' fur me bahfore ah hafta go." "Sure enough, cowboy, we can do that," says the warden. He turns to the biker, "And you, biker, what's your last request?" "That you kill me first."

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A Choristers' Guide To Keeping Conductors In Line The following rules are intended as guides to the development of habits which will promote the proper type of relationship between singer and conductor. 1. Never be satisfied with the starting pitch. If the conductor uses a pitch-pipe, make known your preference for pitches from the piano and vice-versa. 2. Complain about the temperature of the rehearsal room, the lighting, crowded space, and of a draft. It's best to do this when the conductor is under pressure. 3. Bury your head in the music just before cues. 4. Ask for a re-audition or seating change. Ask often. Give the impression you're about to quit. Let the conductor know you're there as a personal favour. 5. Loudly clear your throat during pauses (tenors are trained to do this from birth). Quiet instrumental interludes are a good chance to blow your nose. 6. Long after a passage has gone by, ask the conductor if your C# was in tune. This is especially effective if you had no C# or were not singing at the time. 7. At dramatic moments in the music (which the conductor is emoting), be busy marking your music so that the climaxes will sound empty and disappointing. 8. Wait until well into a rehearsal before letting the conductor know that you don't have the music. 9. Look at your watch frequently. Shake it in disbelief occasionally. 10. When possible, sing your part either an octave above or below what is written. This is excellent ear-training for the conductor. If he hears the pitch, deny it vehemently and claim that it must have been the combination tone. 11. Tell the conductor, "I can't find the beat." Conductors are always sensitive about their "stick technique" so challenge it frequently. 12. If you are singing in a language with which the conductor is the least bit unfamiliar, ask her as many questions as possible about the meaning of individual words. If this fails, ask her about the pronunciation of the most difficult words. Occasionally, say the word twice and ask her preference, making to say it exactly the same both times. If she remarks on their similarity, give her a look of utter disdain and mumble under your breath about the "subtleties of inflection". 13. Ask the conductor if he has listened to the von Karajan recording of the piece. Imply that he could learn a thing or two from it. Also good: ask, "Is this the first time you've conducted this piece?" 14. If your articulation differs from that of others singing the same phrase, stick to your guns. Do not ask the conductor which is correct until backstage just before the concert. 15. Find an excuse to leave the rehearsal about 15 minutes early so that others will become restless and start to fidget. Make every effort to take the attention away from the podium and put it on you, where it belongs! Also, check out the special edition "One thousand and one ways to make the bassist leave", exclusively from Metallica =8/ Oops, this ain't funny...

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A feles�g s�lt toj�sb�l k�sz�lt reggelit csin�l a f�rj�nek. A f�rj hirtelen beront a konyh�ba:

„Csak �vatosan ... �VATOSAN! Tegy�l bele m�g egy kis vajat! �, te J� �G! T�l sokat f�z�l meg egyszerre. T�L SOKAT! Forgasd meg �ket! FORGASD MEG �KET R�GT�N! T�bb vajra van sz�gs�g. �, te J� �G!

HONNAN fogunk most T�BB VAJAT szerezni? Oda fognak �GNI! Csak �vatosan ... �VATOSAN! Azt mondtam, �VATOSAN! SOSEM hallgatsz r�m ha f�z�l! Soha! Forgasd meg �ket! Igyekezz! MEG�R�LT�L? Hov� tetted az ESZED? Ne felejtsd el megs�zni �ket. Tudod, mindig elfelejted megs�zni �ket! S�zd meg �ket. Haszn�ld a s�t. HASZN�LD A S�T! A S�T!!!"

A feles�g meredten n�z a f�rj�re. "Neked meg mi a fene bajdo van? Azt hiszed nem tudok megs�tni p�r toj�st?"

A f�rj nyugodtan v�laszolja, „Csak meg akartam mutatni, hogy milyen �rz�s mikor vezetek.”

/Nem zenei t�m�j� vicc, de �llatij� szerintem :) /


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Q: How do you tell when your lead singer is at the door? A: He can't find the key and doesn't know when to come in!!!!!!!! Q: What is the missing link between the bass and the ape? A: The baritone. Q: How can you tell when a bassist is really stupid? A: When the drummers notice. Person 1: It must be terrible for an opera singer to realize that he can never sing again. Person 2: Yes, but it's much more terrible if he doesn't realize it. Q: Why do the singers rock left and right while performing on stage? A: Because they know that it's more difficult to hit a moving target. Q: Mom, why do you always stand by the window when I practice for my singing lessons? A: I don't want the neighbours to think I'm employing corporal punishment, dear. So, a musician dies. When his soul reaches its final destination, the guy in the robe says, "Hey dude, you're going to spend eternity with us, okay? There's a bass player named Pastorius and a guitarist named Hendrix, and we're pretty sure that Motley Crew drummer will arrive as soon as he finds out that his wife removed those implants from her tits..." "Wow!" the musician says, "I never imagined heaven would be this good." The man in the robe says, "This is hell, not heaven. There's a girl singer."

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Q: What has 132 legs and 8 teeth? A: The front row of a Garth Brooks concert! ****** My 14-year-old niece, Chrissy, and her best friend, Joannie are fans of 60's music. They recently got front- row tickets to attend a Peter, Paul, and Mary concert in our town. When they returned home from the concert that night, I wanted to hear all the details of the concert. My daughter says, "Mom, during the show, we looked back an saw hundreds of little lights swaying to the music. At first we thought people were holding up cigarette lighters. Then we realized that the lights were the reflections off all the eyeglasses in the audience!"

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Q: How many guitarists does it take to change a light bulb? A: Only one - but the bassist has to show him first. (well, i know, it's an old flat joke... but could i miss a chance to say something bad about a musical profession other than mine?) A soprano died and went to Heaven. St. Peter stopped her at the gate asking, "Well, how many false notes did you sing in your life?" The soprano answers, "Three." "Three times, fellows!" says Pete, and along comes an angel and sticks the soprano three times with a needle. "Ow! What was that for?" asks the soprano. Pete explains, "Here in heaven, we stick you once for each false note you've sung down on Earth." "Oh," says the soprano, and is just about to step through the gates when she suddenly hears a horrible screaming from behind a door. "Oh my goodness, what is that?" asks the soprano, horrified. "Oh," says Pete, "that's a tenor we got some time back. He's just about to start his third week in the sewing machine." A man gives his son an electric bass for his 15th birthday, along with money for four bass lessons. When the son returns from his first lesson, the father asks, "So, what did you learn?" "Well, I learned the first five notes on the E string." Next week, after the second lesson, the father again asks about the progress, and the son replies, "This time I learned the first five notes on the A string." One week later, the son comes home far later than expected, smelling of cigarettes and beer. So the father asks: "Hey, what happened in today's lesson?" "Dad, I'm sorry I couldn't make it to my lesson; I had a gig!" Guitarist is performing in a small bar, and getting a few requests in return for money. Towards the end of the night, a man walksup with a wad of bills in his hand and asks him to play a jazz chord. He plays an Amaj7. The man says, "No, no. A jazz chord." So the guitarist does a little improvisational thing, but the guy doesn't like that either. "No, no, no! A jazz chord. You know, 'A jazz chord, to say, ah love you...'" A trombone player and an accordion player are playing a New Years's eve gig at a local club.. The place is packed and everybody is absolutely loving the music .. shortly after midnight, the club owner comes up to the duo and says, "You guys sound great .. everybody loves you .. I'd like to know if the two of you are free to come back here next New Year's eve to play ?? ... The two musicians look at each other then to the club owner .. and the trombone player says "Sure .. we'd love to .. Is it OK if we leave our stuff here ??"

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Q: What's the latest crime wave in New York City? A: Drive-by bass solos. Q: What do a musician and a sperm have in common? A: Both have about a 1-in-3 million chance of becoming a human being. Q: If you see a guitar player on a bicycle, why would you swerve to avoid hitting him? A: It might be your bicycle. Q: What do you call a guitar player that only knows two chords? A: A music critic!!!!!!!!! What's the difference between an oboe and an onion? No one cries when you chop up an oboe. What's the difference between a cello and a coffin? The coffin has the corpse inside. What are the 2 least-used sentences in the English language? 1."Isn't that the banjo player's Porsche?" 2."Nice bass solo..." (Hey, this ain't true!!!!) Q: Why do some people have an instant aversion to banjo players? A: It saves time in the long run.

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Band's Personnel Standards producer Leaps tall buildings in a single bound. Is more powerful than a locomotive. Is faster than a speeding bullet. Walks on water. Gives policy to God. lead-guitarist Leaps short buildings in a single bound. Is more powerful than a switch engine. Is just as fast as a speeding bullet. Walks on water if sea is calm. Talks with God. rythm-guitarist Leaps short buildings with a running start and favorable winds. Is almost as powerful as a switch engine. Is almost as fast as a speeding bullet. Walks on water in an indoor swimming pool. Talks with God if special request is approved. singer Barely clears a quonset hut. Loses tug-of-war with locomotive. Can fire a speeding bullet. Swims well. Is occasionally addressed by God. manager Makes marks high on wall when trying to clear short buildings. Is run over by locomotive. Can sometimes handle a gun without inflicting self-injury. Dog-paddles. Talks to animals. soundman Runs into buildings. Recognizes locomotives two times out of three. Is not issued any ammunition. Can stay afloat with a life jacket. Talks to walls, argues with self. drummer Falls over doorstep when trying to enter buildings. Says "Look at the choo-choo." Wets self with water pistol. Plays in mud puddles. Loses arguments with self. bass player Lifts buildings and walks under them. Kicks locomotives off the tracks. Catches speeding bullets in teeth and eats them. Freezes water with a single glance. Is God.

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Q: What do you say to an army officer as you're about to run him or her over with a steam roller? A: B flat, major. Q: What do you say after you run an army officer over with a steam roller? A: C flat major. Q: What key is "Exploring The Cave With No Flashlight" written in? A: C sharp or B flat. Q: What do you get if you enroll in a liberal arts program and the only subject you do well in is music? A: A natural major. Q: What do you use to tie saplings to a piano so the saplings won't blow away? A: Root position cords. A note left for a pianist from his wife Gone Chopin, (have Liszt), Bach in a Minuet.

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A top movie producer was discussing his new project, an action docu-drama about famous composers... starring several familiar Hollywood faces. Stallone, Swarzenegger, and Van Damme were present. The producer really desired the box office "oomph" of these three, so they were prepared to allow them to select which famous composer they would portray. "Well," Stallone said, "I've always admired Mozart. I would love to play him." "Chopin has always been my favorite," said Van Damme, "I'll play him." The producer was pleased. "That sounds splendid. But who do you want to be, Arnold?" "I'll be Bach."

A drummer, tired from being ridiculed, decides to learn how to play some "real" musical instruments. He goes to a music store, walks in, approaches the store clerk, and says "I'll take that red trumpet over there and that accordion." The store clerk looks at him a bit funny, and replies "OK, you can have the fire extinguisher but the radiator's got to stay". A musician who joined an orchestra on a cruise ship was having difficulty keeping time with the rest of the band. Finally, the captain said, "Either you learn to keep time or I'll throw you overboard. . . . It's up to you, sync or swim."